Fate

Life seeped out of me as I suffered great torture. Blood escaped my chest as I gripped tightly, my churning stomach. A vision of fiery red burned my soul painfully. An intense sensation of agonizing pain filled my spine with rage. Rage powerful enough to turn dead into alive.

My deathly black cape reluctantly moved from side to side. My jet black hair tied itself into a skin pinching bun. I received strange looks everywhere I went. My thick hands grazed across brick houses as they screamed quietly in pain. Then I walked past a glass house…

An unusual glass house it was. With someone in it. It looked unusually like the villain that had cursed me. I had to be sure. I knocked on the door. A woman with a slim figure and freakishly pale skin answered. She wore a dark cape similar to mine. As I looked at her evil face, she wickedly smiled. A smile I always remembered. The smile I saw when I died. As I had suspected at first. Malificent. Even deadlier than the first.

Fighting in the cemetery, I desperately tried just to stab Malificent in the heart. I sweated madly lashing my sword from side to side. I felt intense anger inside me, building up as I had hoped, but not powerful enough to just ensure a cut on her. I was furious. So furious. And desperate. I was boiling. Like an animal dodging gunshots from hunters. As I was about to shove the sword into Malificent’s heart, I toppled over with her shield in my face. A burning sensation filled my spine just like the time she killed me first. All I remember is blood. That’s all I remembered, before I got the chance to live. For the 3rd time.

Above is a story I wrote from a first draft. In this version, I tied the introduction and conclusion together with feeling. I had intense feeling in the first paragraph as well at the last paragraph. For example, in the first paragraph and last paragraph, I talked about how tortured and angered the character felt. Some other ways I could have tied the introduction and conclusion together is by using, action, intriguing questions, sound effects or sensory descriptions in both paragraphs. In the middle two paragraphs, I used the paragraph sandwich to ensure that I had a good body structure of the story. The paragraph sandwich is a structure that you need to follow in each paragraph. In each paragraph, you need to have:

– Topic Sentence

– Supporting Sentence

– Describing Sentence

– Supporting Sentence

– Describing Sentence

– Supporting Sentence

– Describing Sentence

– Concluding Sentence

Along with all this, I had to make sure I was grammatically correct and I used good vocabulary/language as well as sentence fragments (I used mostly short sentences in the action and feeling parts to make the piece more suspenseful).

The Blackout

It was 8pm and I was walking to Edna’s house along the dusty footpath to babysit. A strange eerie silence surrounded the streets. Once I arrived at my destination, I was greeted by a big hug from little five year old Edna. “We are going to have lots of fun today,” Edna said excitedly as she dragged me to the lounge.

“Ok, so firstly, you and me are going to play a drawing game. I draw something, and you have to guess what it is. Here. I already drew my first picture while I was waiting for you to arrive. Guess what it is,” said cute little Edna.

“Hmm. Now, let me think,” I thought. I was going to guess that the picture was of a house, but then, the strangest thing happened. From a house, the picture dissolved into a tree. “Um, Edna,” I said.

“Yeah,” she replied.

“Did you draw a tree?” I said.

“Nope! Look it is a-a- tree?” said startled Edna. “That is strange. I remember drawing a house, not a tree, anyways, let’s play a different game.” I agreed. Just then, something really strange happened…

Music just started playing from out of nowhere. I was puzzled. Edna was scared. “Do not worry Edna,” I said to calm Edna down. Then something really freaky happened. The light kept on flickering on and off until there were sparks coming out of the light bulbs. Edna clung on me tightly. In a flash; there was a blackout. I lit up a candle and told Edna that there was nothing to be afraid of even though I was afraid myself. I grabbed a glass of water to calm Edna down. I remembered putting the glass of water for Edna on the coffee table before getting a glass of water for myself. But when I turned around to get Edna’s glass of water; it was gone; it had completely vanished. Then I saw a woman.

“I believe that this glass of water belongs to you,” the lady said.

“It does,” I replied. “How did you get in here?” The lady gave an evil laugh and disappeared into a photo frame. The thing that happened next made the glass slip out of my hands.

Edna started crying as all the photo frames in the house caught on fire. I carried Edna outside and called 000 and Edna’s step-mother. The fire brigade arrived before Edna’s step-mother. Surprisingly, there was only one fireman. The man looked tired and zombie like. Then he started laughing; like he was evil. I ran like the wind with Edna in my aching hands. Then I bumped into a police. I told him what terrible state we were in and he took over the case.

After that terrifying night, I have always had the fear of terrifying and super mean ghosts.